Funneh Dirty Jokes

[Grisly Bear]

what are some of you guys favorite dirty jokes?

here are a few of mine:

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."



As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".



How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.



There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.



A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."



There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.



This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"



This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".



A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"



On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"



One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

[Amon81]

Ok here is a few from me and sickipedia so you might find some of the a bit close to the bone. You are reading this in the naughty section so you should know better.

You proably need to look for pictures of Cheryl Cole to get this one (she is a VERY hot UK pop star):
"Doctor Doctor, I think I might have malaria."
"Right Miss Cole, I'm going to need to see your vagina."

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just couldn't take it any longer.

My wife and I planned to commit suicide together.
But once she'd killed herself, things suddenly looked a lot more positive.

To all those women who watch the football and shout "pass it to Frank" or "bring Joe Cole on;" fuck off. You didn't see me at Sex And The City 2 shouting "fuck her up the arse."

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.
I'm easily lead. - Sorry I had to post it.

Drugs are for mugs.
With the exception of Rohypnol, that's for wine glasses.

How is this fair: Apparently, it's perfectly acceptable for my girlfriend to go on and on about Twilight because "it's a fantasy about perfect men", but how come when I make her watch my 'Cum-guzzling anal gymnasts' DVD I'm "being a cunt again"?

The woman on the front cover of Take-a-Break always looks fucking happy yet all the articles are about Rape, Domestic Abuse, and Cookery.
It would be much more realistic if she had a black eye and was holding a sponge cake.

News: Girl killed by automatic gate
Her father said that the flowers left at the scene are a moving tribute.

My wife insists men can't multitask. She wasn't happy when I proved I can wank and look at her sister's holiday photos at the same time.

WARNING
I was browsing through random girls profiles on facebook the other day when i realized a disturbing pattern.
When you see an alright looking girl in an arty black and white style profile picture, look through some of her other pictures first.
You wouldn't want to accidentally wank off over a ginger would you.

Lindsay Lohan cried in court today as she was sentenced to 90 days in prison.
Cheer up, Lindsay, it could be worse. You could be a ginger alcoholic lesbian who hasn't had a hit movie in five years.
Oh wait, no... On second thought, feel free to cry all you want.

Statistically, 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian Roulette.

Nothing is worse than the moment when you are trying on your mum's jewellery...
...and your dad walks in, telling you to put her anal beads back where you found them.

I was driving down the motorway in my new Toyota Highlander today, when I saw another car absolutely identical to mine, so I sped up and ran him off the road, into some trees where he burst into flames.
Highlander... There can be only one.

I watched the film 'Irreversible' starring Monica Bellucci, and it features a graphic scene where she gets raped by a man that lasts 9 minutes long.
I'd like to point out that the film is totally un-realistic, as anyone raping her will blow their load in 3 minutes, at most.

"Man dies during screening of new 'Twilight' film."
So you really can be bored to death...

Whilst my wife was sucking on my helmet, she stopped for a second and asked me to stop exaggerating the size of my cock to everyone.
But i could barely hear her because she was so far away.

Saw a headline today that read 'local paedophile ring smashed'. Now he knows how it feels!

Due to my constant speeding, tailgating, shunting, violent outbursts and running the occasional child over.
My wife has insisted that she pushes the trolley next time we go to the supermarket.

As an American I was astonished to learn that 20% of Americans do not know which country the United States declared independence from.
I'd just like to say that the other 60% of us know that we declared independence from Great Britain. We're not stupid.

That will do, Probably offend a few people.

[Discrimo13]

John and Mary are a married couple. John is known for having Playboy and Hustler and all those dirty magazines(Which I can't buy yet). So one day Mary hears John breathing heavily. She decides she's had enough and she calls out "You better not be reading those dirty magazines again!" she waits for a response and finally hears "Don't worry I'm just looking at the pictures!"

Here's a quote from comedian Jim Norton:"They treat the porn awards the same way they treat the Oscars I remember one guy was just like 'This is just like the Oscars!' I'm like 'yeah!' but I'm thinking 'No!' No offence I never jacked off to The Deer Hunter....That's not true."
I thought they were funny

[Futanarikthx]

whats pale, blue, and doesn't like sex? the little boy in my trunk....

[Okami god 1692]

whats pale, blue, and doesn't like sex? the little boy in my trunk....

woooow that going a bit to far 0-0

[Futanarikthx]

i heard that from the son of the most strict colenel ive ever known O_o he never looked like the type, but he broke out that joke and everyone had eyes as big as dinner plates

[Okami god 1692]

lol I was in JROCT and nothing happen like that one time at all

[Futanarikthx]

lol I was in JROCT and nothing happen like that one time at all

..... huh?

[Grisly Bear]

whats pale, blue, and doesn't like sex? the little boy in my trunk....

A wild Chris Hanson appears!

[Okami god 1692]

lol I was in JROCT and nothing happen like that one time at all

..... huh?

it was a bootcamp in highschool