Episode 176 – Circles of Anime Hell
Do you know about the Church of Mitsugi? Are you a subscriber to the manliness? Do you dream of ways sausage fits, in buns? Then this is the episode for you! It’s a Church of Mitsugi special telling you all you need to know about the Church, specifically, the circles of Anime Hell!
“A Chuch of Mitsugi special” – like the rules and cast outs that they hate.” – dino-anima-sorus
“A show just centered on the Holy Church of Mitsugi where you give us the 10 sins of anime.” – sh8keaspear
· 7 Circles of Anime Hell – The Circles of Anime Hell test your anime fandom and your existence as a man by visually feeding you some hellish anime content. All of the trials and tests that the Church strives to break down that one must undergo if they wish to exist as an anime fan.
o Circle 1 – “The Gate” – beach and hot springs episodes.
§ As you watch anime, prepare to endure tremendous amounts of garbage shit that is injected into anime where it both does and does not seem out of place.
§ Countless beach and hot springs episodes, even in horror anime (e.g. Another) and sci-fi space anime (e.g. Outlaw Star).
· Why did we have to awkwardly watch the most lifeless, completely unlikeable cast of characters of Another trying to have fun at the beach? (Like watching a guy have a tea party with love dolls) So strange and quite frankly dangerous old men could fill their eyes with pre-pubescent, middle school T&A.
· Why did Gene Starwind have to be dragged through the shit pile that was the hot spring episode of Outlaw Star? Why did the shows’ creators feel the need to find a Japanese Onsen in the middle of space? To see Aisha’s furry tits. That’s why.
o Circle 2 – “PVC Pedophiles” – Nasty people who buy a lot of PVC figures of very young girls.
§ It’s not a healthy world where grown men buy perverse manikin figures of little girls to put on their walls like trophies.
§ These are the primary market for Satan’s kiddy porn manufacturing ring.
§ The church encourages these people to cease the purchase of such figures as it may help to change the type of anime we are forced to watch. If the industry can’t make money off the naked girls, maybe they’ll stop putting them in anime.
· We as fans are partially responsible for the decay known as fan service and moe that has proliferated in the anime industry over the last 10 years.
· If we as fans don’t demand a higher level of quality from our anime content, the industry will just continue to keep us crap. So stop buying figures of moe, stop watching moe anime, stock buying DVDs, and maybe we can salvage what few brain cells we all have left.
o Circle 3 – “Elementary School Succubus” – Random ass and fan service where it doesn’t belong.
§ You decide that you can withstand the beach and hot springs episodes. So you continue deeper into the moe stench filled pit that is Anime Hell’s second circle.
§ In the second circle, you witness a great battle. It tempts and intrigues you with its serious plotlines and subject matter. SUDDENLY, you are distracted by the sight of 9 year old ass and enormous tits that sometimes move on their own as if they were alive. Welcome to the second circle; home of the elementary school succubus.
§ Welcome to a place where a story about war and the slaughter of 10s of thousands can be filled with random injects of ecchi and moe.
· A story about economics? Sure! Giant tits.
· A story about Japan’s greatest historical warriors? Let’s make them 8 year olds with giant tits!
· Should be transfixed on a tense moment in the story? Sorry! Couldn’t stop staring at those giant tits and little girl asses to realize the tension.
o Circle 4 – “Hetalia cosplayer hell” – a nightmarish mixture of bad and obnoxious cosplay combined with the rampant popularity of a series destined to pollute the world’s skies and oceans with its fluffy bs.
§ You enter the third circle, a hellish, nightmarish scene that sometimes appears outside of hell at events known as anime conventions. 400 anime fans, dressed like hetalia characters, all screaming Pasta and Italy like infants who just learned theirs first words.
§ Their psychotic, caffeine and sugar induced excitement generates the smelly heat that we know as con-funk but Satan himself uses to heat his bath water.
· Why do the Hetalia cosplayers generate such a terrible smell? Some say it’s shame, but the real reason is that Satan feeds them My Little Ponies for dinner each night.
§ The Hetalia cosplayers, after being sent to hell by the likes of Jojo, Kenshiro, Golgo 13, Onizuka and others, are subjected to their greatest hell of all; being forced to shower. Satan special orders special Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure body wash because the sight of Jojo’s abs is just too much. Too manly for the likes of Hetalia.
· Water and soap burn like acid on the skin of those that have watched Hetalia.
o Circle 5 – “Moe blob cavern” – Somewhere in the pits of hell are the moe blobs: monstrous beasts that pollute our anime with cake eating, cat ears, culture festival episodes and stupidity.
§ The moe blobs were invented by Satan primarily to satisfy the interests of perverted men in their 30’s and 40’s. Normal people don’t buy half naked figures of 12 year old girls (or just normal girls) AND proudly display them.
· Moe figures are made the parts of the My Little Ponies the Hetalia cosplayers won’t eat.
· PVC figure sales account for 60% of the budget of hell, which is used to fund half of the anime conventions in Florida (which is where there are about 20 of them).
§ Take solace the in fact that Satan created a safety net when he created the moe blobs. In the event that the world should face a near extinction of the human race (e.g. Zombie apocalypse), the moe characters will be the first to be killed due to their stupidity, non-athleticism and clumsiness. Thus, preventing their ability to repopulate the earth.
May 17, 2013 @ 11:23 am
While it’s certainly true that Beach/Hotsprings/Culture Festival episodes are more often than not mediocre filler, i do disagree with your claim that there aren’t any examples of such episodes being good.
The six episodes of the Kanya Festa culture festival arc of the Hyouka anime series are especially excellent, and actually do a great job of making the festival feel both lively and interesting. Manabi Straight also has a well-produced, effective culture festival episode.
The hotsprings episode in Full Metal Panic Fumoffu is legitimately hilarious, as are similar episodes in Urusei Yatsura and Ranma. Again, Hyouka has a pretty good hotsprings episode which focusses more on subtle character developement and mystery-solving than fanservice(though there is some).
Urusei Yatsura has several very funny beach episodes involving Ryuunosuke and her crazy dad. I recall there being a pretty entertaining beach episode in both Full Metal Panic Fumoffu and Nadesico as well. The most notable series in this category would however be Squid Girl, most of which is set at a beach. This was probably one of the funnier anime series i’ve seen in recent years.
If you want to see a beach/hotsprings/culture festival episode done right, i highly recommend the above mentioned examples, especially the culture festival arc in Hyouka, which is arguably one of the best things Kyoto Animation has yet produced.
Regarding the 5 levels of anime hell, moeblob seems like an odd choice for the “deepest layer of hell”. If one considers a moeblob to be a poorly written cutesy character, which emphasizes superficial cuteness in favour of personality, then it’s really not sufficiently different from various other stereotypically annoying characters, such as various shonen protagonists, stoic tough guys, hot sexy women, bad guys(insert diabolic laughter)or characters that are mysterious (or have amnesia)only because it eliminates the need to give them a backstory or personality of any sort. All of this stuff is simply nothing more than poor writing and not really specific enough for the deepest layer of anime hell. A more obvious choice for the deepest depths of anime hell would IMO be the lurid realm of hentai doujinshi. The villainy and depravity in some of those books defies belief.